


Tell Me How to Feel

by Malingshu



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Friends, M/M, PanWink - Freeform, other members mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-01-07 14:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12235029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malingshu/pseuds/Malingshu
Summary: Jihoon wished that erasing his feelings for Guanlin was as easy as erasing his pencil notes.





	1. tell me

“Ow!”

 

Jihoon hisses and rubs the painful spot on his head. He looks up to see Guanlin picking the eraser that he threw to his head a second ago.

 

“What the hell was that for?” Jihoon grunts, soothing the throbbing spot on his head where the eraser landed earlier.

 

“You were spacing out.” Guanlin says casually and places the eraser back on the elder’s table. “Hurry up, I want to go home already.”

 

“Then go home by yourself.” Jihoon sighs exasperatedly and continues to write on his notebook.

 

“The sky is getting darker. It’s dangerous for me to walk home alone. Are you going to take responsibility if someone kidnapped me?” Guanlin hums and drags his chair closer until it bumps against Jihoon’s desk, messing his handwriting up.

 

“Lai Guanlin!” Jihoon grits in annoyance and erases the mistake with his eraser. He can’t believe how annoying his neighbor-slash-childhood friend is acting right now.

 

Back then when they were kids, Guanlin was a rather shy boy who would stick to him everywhere they went. Back then, Jihoon would protect him like an older brother. But as the years passed by, Guanlin kept growing and now, he’s even bigger than Jihoon. Now, people would assume that Guanlin is older than him even though the younger is still acting like a child.

 

Puberty is unfair.

 

“Why didn’t you go home with Daehwi earlier before the sun set?” Jihoon mutters under his breath as he copies the note Woojin lent to him.

 

“Hmm,” Guanlin hums and rubs his chin thoughtfully. “When I got into high school, my mom asked you to take care of me, so you’re responsible for me.”

 

“How old do you think you are? Five?” Jihoon shakes his head, but the corners of his lips are curled into a small smile. Sometimes, Guanlin’s childishness can be as annoying as it is endearing. It makes Jihoon recall those times where Guanlin followed him around like a baby chick.

 

“Maybe,” Guanlin nods and looks down at the dirty eraser Jihoon is using to erase his writing. “Isn’t that the eraser I gave to you?”

 

Jihoon pauses momentarily and looks down at the dirty eraser in his hand, a soft smile grazing his features. “Yes, this is the one you gave to me.”

 

“Why do you still have it? It’s so dirty already and the only reason I gave it to you was because you lost your eraser.” Guanlin furrows his brows.

 

“Nah, I can still use this. It’s a waste to buy a new one.” Jihoon shakes his head.

 

“Man, come on, you can’t buy a new eraser or what?” Guanlin snorts and shakes his head. “I got a better eraser with me. Why don’t we trade?” He asks as he rummages through his sling bag.

 

“No need, I’m good with this one.” Jihoon hums, but Guanlin ignores him.

 

“This is it!” Guanlin says proudly and shows Jihoon a cute bunny-shaped eraser, complete with its cute face with pink ribbon on its ear.

 

Jihoon blinks at the eraser before breaking into a laughing fit. “What the hell? Why would you have that kind of girly eraser!?”

 

Guanlin laughs along and looks at the bunny eraser. “I lost my eraser few days ago and Jieqiong gave me one of hers. She has bunch of bunny erasers in her pencil case. Each of them has different colored ribbons. Girls are so extra.”

 

At the mention of the girl’s name, Jihoon’s smile falters, but Guanlin doesn’t realize it since he’s still staring at the eraser in his hand. The younger looks so gleeful and Jihoon can feel a twinge of pain in his chest seeing that expression on his face.

 

Jihoon swallows the feeling and shakes his head with a smile. “Nah, she gave it to you so you should keep it. I don’t want to use such girly eraser anyway.”

 

Guanlin stares at him for a while before shrugging his shoulders. “Alright then.” He nods and puts the eraser back into his bag.

 

A silence falls upon them as Jihoon copies the note diligently. Between the writing, he steals some glances at Guanlin who’s straddling the chair in front of him. The younger is staring at the window beside their seats, the warm sunshine is outlining his handsome features and Jihoon still can’t believe how his skinny childhood friend could grow up into a boy like this.

 

It felt like yesterday when Guanlin clutched onto his shirt as they walked to school in the morning. Now, Guanlin would walk in front of him with a confidence Jihoon can never reach. It feels that Guanlin is growing up too fast.

 

Jihoon still remembers how the girls in his class went crazy few days after the new school year started, all because of a handsome first year called Lai Guanlin. It seemed that Guanlin caught some attention in the opening ceremony.

 

Guanlin is handsome, everybody can see that, no matter boys or girls. It’s not surprising to see him getting popular with girls, but Jihoon can’t help but to feel bitter about it. He was the one who stuck with Guanlin when the boy was too shy so do anything. He was the one who watched Guanlin grow up through the years.

 

But now, everybody is sticking to Guanlin.

 

Jihoon doesn’t want to treat Guanlin like a bird in cage, but seeing Guanlin growing up so quickly makes him feel lonely. One day, Guanlin might leave him to fly out to the sky.

 

“Are you still not done?”

 

The question snaps Jihoon out of his trance and he quickly closes his notebook with a nod of head. “I’m done. Sorry, I took so long.”

 

“You did, but it’s okay.” Guanlin nods and stands up from his seat while Jihoon stuffs his things into his bag. He flips the chair and sets it above the desk before turning to the latter.

 

Jihoon slings his bag over his shoulder and stands up from his seat too. Before he can lift his chair, Guanlin walks over and lifts the chair with one hand, placing it on top of the desk like it’s the easiest thing to do. When he turns back to Jihoon, the elder is staring at him with a gaping mouth.

 

“What?” Guanlin raises a brow.

 

“Nothing, I’m just surprised you can lift the chair with just one hand.” Jihoon closes his mouth and shakes his head.

 

“What? You can’t do that? You’re so weak.” Guanlin stares at Jihoon with a look of disbelief.

 

“Shut up.” Jihoon punches the younger’s arm lightly and makes his way out of the classroom. He can hear Guanlin’s chuckle behind him as they walk towards the exit of the school building.

 

The sky is turning darker by the time they get off the bus. Jihoon is staring absently at the dark sky above him, searching for the nonexistent stars, when he feels something tugging his hand.

 

“Come on, don’t be slow. I’m hungry.” Guanlin says as he drags Jihoon down the road.

 

Jihoon follows the younger with his eyes stuck on their intertwined hands. It’s funny how he was the one who would hold Guanlin’s hand when they were kids, but now, Guanlin is the one who always holds his hand first.

 

So many things have changed and sometimes, Jihoon wishes that they could go back to those old days.

 

Because now, he’s feeling something he’s not supposed to feel.

 

Something he wishes he could erase like how he erased his notes every time he made a mistake.

 

“Oh finally, that’s our houses.” Guanlin sighs in relief when he sees their houses at the end of the street. Their houses are just next to each other and if it’s not enough, the balcony of Jihoon’s bedroom is placed right across Guanlin’s balcony. Sometimes on Sunday afternoon when Guanlin brought his friends over, Jihoon could hear their boisterous laugh from his room.

 

Once they reach the middle of the street, Guanlin releases the elder’s hand and turns to him, blinking when he notices something odd.

 

“Why is your face red? Are you alright?”

 

“Oh,” Jihoon blinks and brings his hands to cup his face. “It’s kinda hot and you’re walking so fast.”

 

“Slowpoke.” Guanlin teases before finally running towards the front door of his house. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye, Jihoon!” He waves his hand cheerfully.

 

“Bye, Guanlin!” Jihoon waves back before making his way to the front door of his house. When he opens the door with his keys, he glances over to see Guanlin closing the door. He sighs softly once Guanlin disappears from his sight and steps into the house.

 

After having dinner and taking a shower, Jihoon flops on his bed and sighs contently, resting his tired body after a long day at school. Just when he’s about to close his eyes, his phone buzzes against the nightstand table. He turns to the vibrating device and grabs it with his hand.

 

_From: Guanlin_

_Lend me your Nintendo!_

Jihoon rolls his eyes at the demanding message and gets off the bed. He grabs his Nintendo Switch on his desk and walks out to the balcony.

 

There Guanlin is, standing right across him on his own balcony, hair still wet after shower and a towel is hanging on his neck.

 

“Dry your hair first.” Jihoon says as he stretches his hand from the balcony.

 

“Yeah, don’t worry.” Guanlin stretches his own hand and grabs the game console from the elder’s hand. He quickly switches the device on and stares at the screen, beaming when the start-up screen of his favorite game pops up.

 

Jihoon stares at the younger’s smiling face and chuckles lightly. “You like it so much, huh? Study well so your dad would buy one for yourself.”

 

“I can always borrow yours. Why bother?” Guanlin hums.

 

“You little — sheesh, forget it.” Jihoon sighs while Guanlin blows a raspberry. He glares at the younger and sticks his tongue out in return, earning a laugh from Guanlin.

 

Jihoon’s glare falters at the sight and he ends up laughing along with the latter, filling the silence of night with their soft laughter. They finally fall into a silence once Guanlin turns his focus to the game. Jihoon sets his elbow against the balcony railing and rests his head on his hand, watching Guanlin playing the game like the kid he is. He watches as droplets of water dripping from the tip of Guanlin’s hair.

 

“You should really dry your hair first.” Jihoon mutters absently, eyes following the droplets of water running down Guanlin’s neck.

 

“Mhmm, I’ll do it later.” Guanlin hums, eyes still focused on the game.

 

“When is later? It’s getting late.”

 

“When you go back inside your room.” Guanlin flicks his eyes to the elder. “You’re still here, so I’ll stay here too.”

 

Jihoon’s breath hitches in his throat and he swears his heart skips a beat. Even though Guanlin seems to be saying those words in the most nonchalant way, but Jihoon can’t seem to calm down.

 

“What the hell is that? Then I’m going back inside first.” Jihoon chuckles and takes a step back from his balcony.

 

“You’re going back inside?” Guanlin asks, now staring at Jihoon instead of the console in his hands. 

 

“Yeah, why would I stay here longer? It’s cold.” Jihoon waves his hand before stepping back into his room. He shuts the balcony door and quickly takes a peek from behind the curtain, seeing Guanlin stepping back into his room. Once the younger is out of sight, Jihoon sits behind his desk and leans back against his seat.

 

He takes out a random notebook and his pencil case, placing them on his desk. He flips the notebook to a random empty page and takes out his mechanical pencil. Holding the notebook open with his hand, he starts writing some words on it.

 

_I like you Guanlin._

 

Once he’s done writing, he takes out the dirty eraser Guanlin gave him and erases the words. He rubs the eraser erratically, moving it back and forth to make sure nothing is left. When he accidentally crumples the paper due to his frantic movement, he finally stops and looks down at the erased spot.

 

No matter how many times he erases the words, his feelings never disappear.

 

Jihoon can’t remember when it started. He and Guanlin grew up together like brothers. They played together in the park, attended the same school even though Guanlin is two grades below him, and went home together hand in hand.

 

Their relationship is supposed to stay that way, but somewhere along the way, Jihoon started to feel the things he shouldn’t feel.

 

When Guanlin started getting taller and bigger, when his voice started deepening, when his features became more defined; Jihoon felt something odd in his chest, something he never felt before.

 

It’s so hard to suppress his feelings when they practically spend every single day together, but he has to do it. Guanlin is precious to him and he can’t put their friendship at risk for this kind of thing. It’s enough to have Guanlin as his best friend, nothing less and nothing more.

 

Jihoon is not greedy. He knows the things he can’t have no matter how far he reaches his hand.

 

So every time his heart beats a little faster, every time his breath gets caught in his throat, every time butterflies flutter in his stomach, he would write his feelings down in a paper and then erase it clean until there’s no trace left. He hopes that his feeling would disappear along with the words, but it never did.

 

Just like now, the feeling is still there.

 

He treasures Guanlin more than anything and if erasing his feelings would keep their friendship safe, then he’s going to do it for the rest of his life.

 

It’s okay, Jihoon is sure that one day, just like his writing on the paper, his feelings would eventually disappear if he keeps trying to erase it.

 

 

 

===

 

 

 

“What are you even trying to erase? Just calm down, dude.”

 

Jihoon looks up from his notebook to see Woojin sitting in front of him.

 

“Nah, just want to clean it a little.” Jihoon sighs and leans back against his seat.

 

“Clean it a little?” Woojin raises a brow and looks down at the crumpled page on Jihoon’s notebook. “You’re ruining it.”

 

“It’s an accident.” Jihoon shrugs.

 

“It’s like you’re trying to erase your deep secret of something.” Woojin laughs and shakes his head, but Jihoon tenses at the words.

 

Yes, it’s a secret, his deepest secret.

 

“I’m erasing my plan of killing you.” JIhoon hums jokingly.

 

“Yeah? Then I’m going to kill you first.” Woojin says before throwing his hands and grabs Jihoon’s head, shaking it vigorously.

 

“You’re making me dizzy! Stop that!” Jihoon yells between his laughter.

 

“Jihoon.”

 

They both freeze at the call and Jihoon turns his head to see Guanlin standing by the door with a rather unhappy look on his face.

 

“Guanlin?” Jihoon blinks, hair still messy after Woojin played with it.

 

Guanlin strides over and stands beside his desk. “Let me borrow your English dictionary.” He demands.

 

“Huh? You forgot to bring yours? I already reminded you last night.” Jihoon shakes his head with a sigh and grabs his own dictionary from his bag, handing it to the younger. “Give it back to me on second break.”

 

“I will.” Guanlin takes the dictionary with his hand, but he keeps standing next to Jihoon’s desk, staring at the elder.

 

Jihoon is about to ask whether there’s something wrong when Guanlin suddenly reaches his hand and runs it through his hair. Jihoon’s heart almost stops at the action until he realizes that Guanlin is fixing his messy hair.

 

Once he’s satisfied, Guanlin pulls his hand back and glances briefly at Woojin before walking out of the class. The girls watch Guanlin leaving the class before they turn to whisper at each other, giggling at how attractive the junior is.

 

“Is he that one junior the girls have been talking about? Your childhood friend?” Woojin asks, eyes still staring at the door where Guanlin walked through earlier.

 

“Yeah, his name is Lai Guanlin from class B. I think I’ve known him since he’s born or something.” Jihoon sighs and pats his own hair.

 

“He was totally glaring at me earlier you know.” Woojin chuckles lightly.

 

“What? Why would he glare at you?” Jihoon turns to his friend with a weird look.

 

“Dunno, but he was glaring at me, I’m sure of it.” Woojin shrugs.

 

“Guanlin is a nice boy. He does have this stern look on his face, maybe you’re mistaken.” Jihoon shakes his head with a chuckle, not believing that his childhood friend is capable at glaring at someone.

 

Woojin rolls his eyes and turns to face the board in front of the class.

 

 

 

===

 

 

 

“Jihoon.”

 

Said male perks up to see Guanlin walking from the end of the hall, holding the dictionary in his hand.

 

“Here. Thanks for lending me.” Guanlin says, handing the thick dictionary to Jihoon.

 

“Next time, don’t forget yours.” Jihoon sighs and takes the dictionary. “Have you eaten your lunch?”

 

Guanlin nods lightly and looks out of the window for a while before turning to the elder again.

 

“I’m not going home with you today.” He says suddenly.

 

“Oh? Going somewhere with your friend?” Jihoon hums questioningly, trying not to seem curious.

 

“Actually Jieqiong asked me to accompany her somewhere later. She also has something to say to me. I don’t know.” Guanlin shrugs nonchalantly.  

 

Jihoon’s face falters immediately.

 

He knows Jieqiong, she’s a female junior who’s popular among boys due to her pretty face and beautiful laugh. If Guanlin is popular among girls, then Jieqiong is the female version of him. If they were standing side by side, people would think of them as a perfect couple.

 

Honestly, Jihoon won’t be surprised if Guanlin ended up dating Jieqiong at some point. They look perfect together.

 

Feeling the ache in his chest, Jihoon forces himself to smile and nods his head in understanding. “A date, huh?”

 

“Not really. It’s just going somewhere.” Guanlin shrugs again.

 

Yeah, of course Guanlin won’t get the hint. He’s still a child after all, yet Jihoon dares to fall for him.

 

“Whatever you say. Have fun.” Jihoon stretches his lips into a smile and pats Guanlin’s shoulder.

 

“I’ll return the Nintendo tonight.” Guanlin promises.

 

“Yeah, yeah, take your time playing.” Jihoon waves his hand dismissively.

 

“Hey, Jihoon. Come over here!” Woojin suddenly calls out from the classroom door. Jihoon looks at his friend before turning to Guanlin who has a small frown on his face.

 

“I’ll see you later. Bye.” Jihoon says shortly before making his way into the classroom.

 

Guanlin stays on his spot for a few more seconds before he stomps his way down the hall, his frown deepening.

 

 

 

===

 

 

 

When Jihoon reaches home, his heart can’t seem to calm down. He keeps thinking about Guanlin and Jieqiong, imagining the place they’re going and what they’re doing together. Guanlin said she has something to say to him and Jihoon is almost sure that Jieqiong is going to confess to him.

 

Now that he thinks about it, he never talked about girls’ topic with Guanlin. He doesn’t know what type of girl Guanlin likes or if he had a crush on someone. He never asked about it because he didn’t want to know, but now he’s so curious and desperate.

 

He quickly rummages through his bag and pulls out a random notebook from it. He throws the notebook to his desk and pulls out his pencil case from the bag. Taking a seat on his chair, he grabs his mechanical pencil and flips to an empty page of the notebook. He quickly scribbles his feelings down when he reaches a clean page.

 

_I like you Guanlin._

_I don’t want you to date Jieqiong._

_I like you more than her._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m so sorry._

_I wish I could stop liking you._

He writes down all the feelings he is having right now; all the feelings he’s not supposed to have. His writings are messy and he’s not even writing along the line, but who cares by now, he just needs to pour it out.

 

Once he’s done writing everything, he grabs the dirty eraser Guanlin gave him and starts rubbing it over the paper. He rubs the eraser furiously and ends up ripping the paper in the process, but his writings are still there. Some parts of the words are erased, but when he looks at them, he can still figure out what the original words were.

 

“Why won’t you disappear?” Jihoon mutters to himself, staring at the fading words of _I like you Guanlin._ He places the eraser on the page and closes his notebook before standing up from his seat.

 

He walks to his bed and flops into it, burying his face into the pillow. There’s an ache in his cheat and a lump in his throat, but he swallows it down and closes his eyes instead, trying to forget about it by sleeping.

 

When he sucks in a deep breath, he can feel his throat closing up and tears burning behind his eyelids.

 

 

 

===

 

 

 

“Guanlin, what brings you here?”

 

Mrs. Park beams when she sees the neighbor’s son standing in front of the door.

 

“I’m giving something back to Jihoon. Is he here?” Guanlin asks and peeks into the house curiously.

 

“He’s in his room. Just go up there.” Mrs. Park points at the stairs and steps aside, making her way for the boy.

 

Guanlin bows politely and takes his shoes off. He puts them neatly beside the door before making his way up the stairs with the Nintendo in his hand. He walks down to the end of the hall where Jihoon’s room is placed and pushes the door open.

 

“Hey—“

 

He stops immediately when he sees Jihoon on his bed, sleeping peacefully. His face softens at the sight and he closes the door quietly before tip-toeing his way to the bed. Jihoon is sleeping soundly, his eyes are closed and his lips are parted slightly, his strands of dark hair falling on his face. Guanlin carefully reaches a hand and tuck some strands of hair behind his ear, staring at the elder’s face.

 

“You look like a girl, but you’re also very handsome. It’s pissing me off.” Guanlin mutters under his breath and pulls away. He walks over to the desk and decides to leave the Nintendo there, but his eyes catch the mess on the table.

 

It’s weird to see such a messy desk from Jihoon who’s known as a neat freak. Guanlin shakes his head with a sigh and decides to clean the desk a little. He puts the mechanical pencil back to the pencil case and piles the eraser dust to be thrown away later. He scans around the desk to find the missing eraser, finding it trapped between the notebook pages.

 

Without suspicion, Guanlin flips the notebook open and grabs the eraser, only to freeze when he sees the written words on the page.

 

There’s almost a minute of silence as Guanlin stares at the page before he turns over his shoulder to see Jihoon still sleeping peacefully, unaware of anything. He turns to the desk and places the eraser back between the pages and closes the notebook, trying to make it looks untouched.

 

Guanlin places the Nintendo next to the notebook before walking over to the sleeping Jihoon. He crouches down and reaches his hand carefully as if the elder would wake up with the softest touch.

 

Before his hand can reach Jihoon’s face, there’s a knock on the door.

 

Guanlin quickly stands on his feet and walks to the door, opening it quietly to see Mrs. Park standing in front of him.

 

“How are you—oh, Jihoon is sleeping?” Mrs. Park blinks when she sees her son curled up on the bed.

 

“I think he fell asleep after studying or something. I should go home now.” Guanlin smiles politely.

 

“Did your mom cook for dinner? Do you want to have dinner at our house later?” Mrs. Park offers.

 

“I think my mom cooks something for us, don’t worry. Thank you, Ma’am.” Guanlin steps out of the room and bows at the woman.

 

“You’re always so well-mannered.” Mrs. Park laughs and ruffles his hair. “Go home safely, okay?”

 

“It’s just next door. I’ll be fine. See you, Mrs. Park.” Guanlin smiles politely and makes his way downstairs.  

 

 

 

===

 

 

 

“Have you thought about which college you want to go?”

 

Jihoon drops his gaze to his lap and heaves out a long sigh.

 

“I have…but I’m not sure yet.” He says softly.

 

“You listed Hanyang University as your number one choice. Are you not sure about it?” Mrs. Kim, the homeroom teacher, asks with a concerned voice.

 

“It’s just… It’s far from home.” Jihoon scratches the back of his head sheepishly, wondering if he sounds so childish with his reason.

 

Mrs. Kim stares at him for a moment and smiles softly. “You’re afraid you’re going to get lonely?”

 

“Kind of… I mean my family and friends are in this city.” Jihoon shrugs.

 

He is a rather shy kid to begin with and making new friends is not as easy as flipping his hand. Aside from his close friends, Guanlin is also staying here until he graduates high school. Jihoon has heard from Guanlin’s mother plan about sending her son to Hanyang University too, but Guanlin is still a first year right now and he’s going to spend the next few years in this school before graduating.

 

Between those two years’ gap, would they stay as close as they are right now?

 

It’s silly how scared Jihoon is of losing Guanlin. It’s not that they’re going to stay together forever till death do them part. Guanlin is growing up and soon, he is going to have his own world while Jihoon would remain a childhood friend.

 

“I’ve known you since you’re a first year. I know how shy you are around new people, but you’re a very nice boy and I’m sure you’re going to have a lot of friends there.” Mrs. Kim says reassuringly, prompting Jihoon to look up to her.

 

“Thank you, Teacher.” Jihoon smiles appreciatively.

 

“I’m going to check on Hanyang University, okay?” Mrs. Kim asks and grabs her red ballpoint.

 

Jihoon heaves out a long sigh but nods his head anyway. Once his discussion with the homeroom teacher is done, he grabs his bag and steps out of the room, seeing Guanlin leaning against the wall waiting for him.

 

“You’re finally done? Damn, that took so long I almost fell asleep.” Guanlin yawns.

 

“You should have gone home first.” Jihoon hums and steps over to the younger.

 

“It’s better to go home with you.” Guanlin says and walks ahead, unaware of how his words affect Jihoon.

 

Jihoon sucks in a deep breath to calm his heart. He keeps reminding himself that Guanlin’s words don’t mean anything. That’s just how the boy is, always so honest and nonchalant.

 

“What did you talk about with the teacher?” Guanlin asks once they arrive at the bus stop.

 

“University plan.” Jihoon sighs again when he recalls the conversation he had earlier.

 

“Oh,” Guanlin’s face falters immediately and he glances at Jihoon who’s looking at the approaching bus.

 

They get into the bus and claim their spots at the back seat, sitting next to each other while the bus starts moving to take them home. Jihoon looks out of the window beside him and he wonders if he’s going to miss this street once they graduate.

 

“Are you going to Hanyang University for real?” Guanlin asks suddenly.

 

“Huh? Yeah, I guess. Your mom said you’re going there too, right?” Jihoon turns to him curiously.

 

“Yeah, but it’s still long way to go.” Guanlin nods, his lips forming a small pout and Jihoon thinks the younger looks so cute like this.

 

“It’s not that long, just couple of years.” Jihoon chuckles softly and ruffles the other’s hair.

 

“Couple of years without you.”

 

Jihoon freezes at the words, feeling his heart skipping a beat. He slowly drops his hand from Guanlin’s dark hair and looks out of the window again. His heart is beating so fast and it’s dangerous. He can feel Guanlin boring holes on his side with his stare, but he doesn’t dare to look back.

 

“Are you fine with spending couple of years without me?” Guanlin asks softly and Jihoon almost flinches at the question.

 

“Y-Yeah. I mean life goes on and it can’t be helped since you’re younger than me. Besides, it’s not like we’re going to stay in our family house for the rest of our lives, right?” Jihoon laughs humorlessly, still locking his gaze on the window.

 

Guanlin lets out a hum and Jihoon slowly glances over to see the younger leaning back against his seat with a thoughtful look plastered across his face. He knows Guanlin would get lonely once he’s off to college, but it’s simply because Jihoon is his childhood friend and his neighbor, nothing more.

 

But Jihoon would definitely get lonely because he is going to miss Guanlin so much.

 

When the bus reaches their stop, the two boys immediately get off and start walking towards their home. The sun is setting by the time they arrive at the neighborhood area, leaving the sky with its red hue. They walk side by side in silence until they’re arrived in front of their houses.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jihoon waves his hand lightly and walks towards his house.

 

“Jihoon.” Guanlin calls out suddenly.

 

“Hm?” Jihoon halts his step and turns to the younger.

 

Guanlin is staring at him with a serious look on his face, as if he’s contemplating about the words he is going to say next. For a moment, Jihoon doesn’t recognize the Guanlin in front of him because the Guanlin he knows is always blunt and straight-forward with his words. It’s very rare to see him being this careful and Jihoon wonders what he has in mind.

 

“What is it?” Jihoon asks again when Guanlin stays silent.

 

“Jihoon,” Guanlin says again and takes a step closer to the elder. “Do you like someone?”

 

Jihoon blinks couple of times before dropping his mouth open in the most comical way. “Huh??”

 

“Do you like someone?” Guanlin asks again.

 

“What the—where does this question even come from?” Jihoon scrunches his face.

 

“Just answer me.” Guanlin takes another step closer, his face serious.

 

Jihoon’s own face falters at the serious tone of Guanlin’s voice. The question comes out of nowhere and he knows Guanlin was never interested with this kind of topic, so why is he being like this?

 

Could it be…Guanlin likes someone? Maybe he falls in love with a girl and he’s asking for advice from him.

 

Yeah, that must be it.

 

“No…” Jihoon answers softly.

 

“No?” Guanlin furrows his brows, almost looking unhappy. “You seriously don’t have anybody you like? Not even someone from our school?”

 

“N-No, I don’t have someone I like.” Jihoon shakes his head and takes a step back, almost intimidated by Guanlin’s looming figure.

 

“Are you lying to me?” Guanlin frowns and grabs him by the arm.

 

“What—what the hell are you saying? I don’t like anybody. I’m not lying to you.” Jihoon gasps when Guanlin grabs his arm. He looks up to see Guanlin staring down at him, almost glaring, and he doesn’t understand why the younger looks so unhappy.

 

“You are lying to me. I saw the words—” Guanlin halts mid-sentence, his angry look falters when he sees a glint of fear reflected in Jihoon’s doe eyes. With a look of realization, he slowly uncurls his hand from Jihoon’s arm and takes a step back.

 

“W-What’s wrong with you?” Jihoon asks worriedly and rubs the spot where Guanlin was gripping earlier.

 

“You…” Guanlin starts up, only to close his mouth again.

 

“What is it?” Jihoon sighs and takes a step closer. “Is there something bothering you?”

 

Guanlin looks down at him, the thoughtful look returns to his face and Jihoon knows that whatever Guanlin is thinking must be something serious. It’s very rare for the younger to put this kind of expression on his face.

 

“You can talk to me about anything, you know. I’ll listen to you.” Jihoon says reassuringly, hoping that Guanlin can open up to him just like how they were when they were kids.

 

“You…” Guanlin starts up softly, eyes locked onto Jihoon’s curious ones.

 

“Me?”

 

“I saw your notebook.”

 

“Which notebook—”

 

Jihoon freezes when his brain finally connects the dots. His notebook. There’s only one notebook that can leave Guanlin with this kind of face; confused, thoughtful, and stunned. It’s not his math notes with mix of numbers and letters, it’s not his biology notes with drawings of anatomy, it’s not his school notes.

 

He slowly takes a step back and looks up to Guanlin in shock. His heart drops to his stomach and the world starts to spin in his head. Everything feels like moving in slow motion.

 

“You didn’t erase everything. I could still read some words.” Guanlin says as if answering one of the questions in Jihoon’s head.

 

Jihoon feels the sky crashing upon him, feels the ground opening up to swallow him, feels the scrutiny of Guanlin’s eyes boring holes at him. The thing he’s most afraid of is actually happening; Guanlin knows about his feeling.

 

Guanlin has always been his little brother, the one he would always keep an eye on to make sure he would grow up into a fine man. Jihoon is supposed to be his guardian, his older brother figure, the person Guanlin can trust.

 

But right now, everything is crumbling down.

 

Jihoon can feel his throat closing up, his heart thundering in his chest, fear crawling up from his feet to swallow his heart. It would only need a second for him to see a glint of disgust in Guanlin’s eyes, and he doesn’t think he’s strong enough to watch his childhood friend grow to hate him.

 

Letting the fear take over him, Jihoon whirls around and runs into his house. He can hear Guanlin calling behind him, but he doesn’t turn his head and slams the door closed behind him, locking it immediately.

 

“Jihoon? Why are you slamming the door like that?” His mother’s questioning voice echoes from the kitchen.

 

“I-It’s an accident.” Jihoon stutters to answer. His back is pressing against the door, trying to hold it in case Guanlin is impulsive enough to kick the door open.

 

He stays on his position for the next minute until he’s sure that Guanlin is not standing in front of the door to kick it open. He carefully peeks through the sidelight window and looks at the street, sighing in relief when Guanlin is nowhere to be found.

 

“Mom, I don’t feel very well. I’ll skip dinner and go straight to bed.” He says to his mother and quickly makes his way upstairs.

 

Mrs. Park tilts her head and furrows her brows lightly, but then shrugs her shoulders and turns back to the stove. She would check on her son later after she’s done with her cooking.

 

In his room, Jihoon turns the light on and puts his bag aside. He walks to his window to close the curtain, only to freeze when he sees Guanlin standing on his balcony across his. Their eyes meet for a second before Jihoon quickly pulls the curtain to cover his window, hiding himself from Guanlin.

 

He really has no idea how to face Guanlin after this.

 

Jihoon bites his bottom lip hard and he doesn’t realize he’s crying until he feels something wet trickling down his cheeks. He looks down to his feet and watches as his tears drip to the floor. He slowly lifts his hand over his mouth, muffling his cries.

 

He shouldn’t have written his feelings on his notebook like a girl in love. It might be cute if a girl does that, but he is not a girl. Even Guanlin would be disgusted to find out such feelings he has for him.

 

He has betrayed their friendship with his selfish feeling. It’s his fault that he’s going to lose Guanlin.

 

He should have known that the best way to stay close to someone he loves is by being a best friend.

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Un-betaed, sorry for mistakes!  
> I'll try to post the part 2 soon asdjfkhl panwink has ruined my life-


	2. how to feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you [mjieonis](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mjieonis/pseuds/mjieonis) for beta-ing this chapter! <33

Guanlin can’t remember how his first meeting with Jihoon went. All he knows is Jihoon has always been in his life, he has always been there like a family member. He liked to stick around Jihoon because he is older and so capable of doing things. Jihoon knew how to turn the water tap, Jihoon knew how to climb the monkey bars, Jihoon knew how to buy ice cream from ice cream trucks, Jihoon knew everything he didn’t know.

 

Jihoon was like an older brother he never had. Being with Jihoon made him feel safe and happy, that was why he kept sticking to the older boy wherever they went. The adults would tease him for being clingy, but Guanlin didn’t care.

 

Years passed by and  Jihoon grew taller and bigger, his voice started to deepen, and Guanlin felt like his older brother was drifting away. Jihoon got busier ever since he entered middle school and Guanlin had to go home by himself some days because he is a couple of years younger than Jihoon.

 

Guanlin would pout and threw a tantrum whenever Jihoon wasn’t there to pick him up from school. Later on the same day, Jihoon would come to his house later to bribe him with candies and snacks. Guanlin would eat the snacks while Jihoon smiled and patted his head, blabbering apologies and making a pleading face, asking him to stop being mad.

 

Guanlin liked it when Jihoon came to apologize because he thought it was Jihoon’s obligation to stay with him and take care of him, so whenever Jihoon failed to do so, he thought he had the right to be mad.

 

But it wasn’t like that at all.  

 

Jihoon was never obligated to take care of him.

 

His mother explained it one day when he was throwing another tantrum because Jihoon couldn’t come to his house on Saturday like he had promised. His mother said that Jihoon had no blood relation with him and he had his own things to take care of. She said that Jihoon was busy because he’s older than him, because Jihoon was a big boy while Guanlin was still a child, and as a good boy, he had to stop bothering Jihoon.

 

Jihoon was drifting away from him and Guanlin didn’t like that. So when he finally got into middle school, he was happy to see his best friend around the school. He liked that he could see Jihoon in the cafeteria when they were having lunch break and he liked that they could go home together after school the most.

 

Yes, best friend.

 

That’s what Jihoon supposed to be, a brother and a best friend.

 

Guanlin just got a year of being in the same middle school with Jihoon before the elder entered high school. Jihoon’s classes were longer, his club activities were longer too, the subjects were more difficult and the exams were much harder compared to middle school. Jihoon spent his time in school and when he got home, he didn’t even go to his balcony to visit Guanlin because he needed to study.

 

Guanlin would stay in his room after he got home from school, looking out to the balcony and waiting until Jihoon got home. He missed the old days where they would spend every single day together, rolling on the bed or watching cartoons in television.

 

He missed spending time with Jihoon.

 

Some nights, Guanlin finds himself wishing that he was born in the same year as Jihoon. They could go to the same school and sit next to each other in class, laughing at silly jokes and helping each other on tests.

 

He wants to stay with Jihoon forever, he wants to look into his sparkling eyes, he wants to hear his fluttering laugh and he wants to look at that dazzling smile.

 

For Guanlin, Jihoon is like the sun.

 

Sometimes he will turn away, trying not to look at Jihoon as if he emitted light that would blind him, yet he sees Jihoon, like the sun itself, even without looking.

 

Jihoon is always there for him and Guanlin can’t imagine his life without the older boy.

 

He can’t imagine what would happen if Jihoon decides to leave him.

 

 

 

===

 

 

 

“Oh, Guanlin? Jihoon went to school earlier because he said he had something to do. I think it’s about group project or something…” Mrs. Park says to Guanlin who’s standing in front of the house.

 

“I see… thanks for telling me, Ma’am.” Guanlin smiles and bows politely.

 

“Jihoon didn’t tell you?” Mrs. Park asks with a small frown. It’s weird because the two boys always know each other’s schedule of the day.

 

“No, maybe he was busy and forgot to tell me.” Guanlin shakes his head with a smile. “Well then, I’ll go to school now before I’m late.” He takes a step back from the door.

 

“Alright, be safe.” Mrs. Park waves her hand to the boy before getting back into the house.

 

Guanlin turns around and sighs exasperatedly. Ever since the conversation they had that night, Jihoon has been avoiding him in any possible way. They usually go to school together with Jihoon waiting in the living room as he gets ready, they will head to the bus stop and then walk to the school together. But now, Jihoon leaves half an hour earlier than usual, leaving Guanlin walking by himself to school.

 

It’s not a big deal since Guanlin is not some kid who is scared of walking alone, but it feels wrong when Jihoon is not walking next to him. One morning, he saw their neighbor’s dog chasing a butterfly and he called out for Jihoon, but when he turned his head, Jihoon wasn’t there.

 

It feels empty.  

 

In school, Jihoon is also nowhere to be found. He is sure Jihoon is in school because he is not the type who will skip class, but he never catches a glimpse of his best friend even when he’s walking down the third year’s hall.

 

He figures that Jihoon must be hiding someplace while he is searching for him. Jihoon has spent two years in this building while Guanlin just got here couple of months ago. Jihoon knows about good hiding places while Guanlin still has no clear idea about the school map. When it comes to playing hide and seek in school like this, the winner is absolute.

 

When the class ends, Guanlin will rush over to Jihoon’s class in hope to catch him before he goes home, but the elder is still nowhere to be found. He will go home later assuming that Jihoon went back first, only to find out that he is not at home. It’s like Jihoon becomes invisible suddenly.

 

To say Guanlin is pissed off would be an understatement.

 

At first, he was worried and restless, but now he is just…upset. He doesn’t know what kind of feeling he is having right now. There’s a weight on his stomach and his chest feels empty, and it pisses him off because his mood doesn’t get better no matter what he does.

 

“Why do you look so angry?” Daehwi asks from the seat next to him.

 

“Do I?” Guanlin hums, yet his brows are furrowed.

 

“Yeah, there’s a crease between your brows.” Daehwi points at his own forehead.

 

“That’s just my face.” Guanlin sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

 

“No, that’s not your face.”

 

Jinyoung pops out suddenly and sits on the empty seat in front of Guanlin.

 

“Why are you here? You’re a second year,” Guanlin asks, raising a brow questioningly.

 

“I wanted to visit Daehwi and just happened to hear your conversation.” Jinyoung shrugs. “So why are you angry?”

 

“I’m not angry, stop jumping into conclusion,” Guanlin grumbles, waving his hand dismissively.

 

“You’re so grumpy every day, the only time you’re not grumpy is when you’re with that pretty senior.” Jinyoung puts his elbow on the table and rests his head on his hand.

 

“Which pretty senior?” Guanlin perks up.

 

“Your childhood friend, that third-year, Park Jihoon,” Jinyoung answers.

 

“Jihoon? Why do you call him pretty senior? He is a guy.” Guanlin’s frown grows deeper. Somehow, he doesn’t really like other people calling Jihoon as pretty. It’s not that he never noticed how attractive Jihoon is, but it’s annoying when somebody points it out.

 

“He’s popular, you know. The guys in my class talk about him sometimes, they mostly talk about how pretty he is. Well, you are a first year so you guys might not know much about Jihoon’s popularity,” Jinyoung hums.

 

“Really? I thought I was the only one who thought of him as pretty. I didn’t know he’s that popular,” Daehwi says with wide eyes, surprised.

 

“How exaggerating,” Guanlin mutters under his breath and scoffs lightly. Jihoon is attractive, yes, but it’s ridiculous to think that guys would talk about his best friend in that way.

 

“I’m not joking, I heard that there were some male seniors who confessed to him when he was a first year.” Jinyoung says, pointing his finger at Guanlin.

 

“What?” Guanlin whips his head up suddenly, fully alerted. “No way. He didn’t tell me about it,” he says with a frown, feeling slightly upset because Jihoon used to tell him about _everything_. He can’t believe Jihoon never told him about being confessed by guys.

 

Guanlin doesn’t know why he’s feeling so upset, but he doesn’t like how Jihoon hides this from him. The thought of some boys ogling at Jihoon leaves an ugly feeling in his stomach, but he is still unaware of what this feeling might be.

 

Jinyoung and Daehwi stare at him for a moment before the elder speaks again.

 

“Just because he didn’t tell you doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.” Jinyoung shrugs nonchalantly.

 

“But he should have told me about it,” Guanlin insists.

 

“Huh?” Jinyoung frowns at Guanlin’s reaction. “Why are you getting so upset? He’s not obligated to tell you everything about his life.”

 

The words strike Guanlin like a lightning.

 

Jihoon is not obligated to do anything for him. He doesn’t own Jihoon in any way and he has no right to tell Jihoon what to do.

 

They have been together for so long that he grows attached to Jihoon, thinking that Jihoon is his and his alone. He grows up thinking that Jihoon will always stay by his side, that Jihoon will always put him as number one, that Jihoon will always stay as he is.

 

Now that Jihoon distances himself from him, Guanlin feels something missing from his heart, something that he didn’t know how precious it is until he lost it.

 

“You’re right…” Guanlin mutters under his breath as a realization strikes him. “He’s not obligated to stay with me…”

 

Jinyoung and Daehwi stare at Guanlin before turning to each other, shrugging their shoulders at the same time, not knowing the reason behind Guanlin’s sudden change of mood.

 

“Hey,” Guanlin calls out, prompting both boys to look at him again.

 

“What?” Daehwi hums questioningly.

 

Guanlin opens his mouth, but the words don’t come out. Daehwi and Jinyoung stare in anticipation as he moves his lips back and forth, trying to form the words in his head.

 

“…How do you know if you’re in love with someone?” Guanlin asks with a serious look on his face.

 

There’s a silence follows before Jinyoung snorts loudly.

 

“You don’t know how it feels to be in love?! You’re such a brat—ow!”

 

A pained noise is heard when Guanlin’s fist meets Jinyoung’s shoulder.  

 

 

 

===

 

 

 

_“Guanlin?”_

 

_The little boy looks up to see a boy opening the door of the closet he has been hiding in for the past twenty minutes. He curls up and sniffs softly as Jihoon’s face comes into view._

 

_“Come on, your mom is here to pick you up.” Jihoon says with a sweet smile._

 

_Guanlin wipes his face and shakes his head, shifting to the corner of the closet. He is ruining Jihoon’s perfectly folded clothes in the process, but he isn’t aware of it. He doesn’t want to see anybody, much less going home. He is still angry at his mother for breaking her promise._

 

_Before he entered elementary school, his mother promised that she’s going to take him to school, waits for his class, and then takes him home every day. Turns out, his mother goes home while he is in class and will only come back to school after his class ends. He found out about it today when his mother was late to pick him up and he ended up having to wait for fifteen minutes alone._

 

_As soon as they got home, Guanlin yanked his hand away from his mother’s hold and ran to Jihoon’s house, barging in without permission and hiding in his closet._

 

_“Guanlin,” Jihoon calls out and reaches a hand to tug onto the younger’s wrist. “Come on, don’t stay inside. It’s hot and dark and there’s nothing interesting inside my closet.”_

 

_“I want to stay here forever. Just go away.” Guanlin hiccups and pulls his hand from Jihoon’s hold._

 

_The smile on Jihoon’s face disappears at the words. He slowly drops his hand and stares at the younger boy who still has a sullen look on his face. Jihoon flicks his eyes to the floor and fumbles with the hem of his shirt._

 

_“Don’t say something like that… it makes me sad…” He mutters softly. “I will take you to school and we can go home together every day… We can even buy ice cream and eat it on the way home…”_

 

_Guanlin blinks at the words and looks up to Jihoon, seeing the boy chewing his bottom lip._

 

_“I want to be with you forever. Don’t chase me away like that…” Jihoon puckers his lips and sniffs softly._

 

_Hearing the sniff from the older boy, Guanlin crawls closer to him, messing the folded clothes even more._

 

_“Forever?” Guanlin asks with a small voice._

 

_Jihoon perks up at the question and stares at him. In that moment, Guanlin thinks he sees some stars inside those round eyes._

 

_“Forever.” Jihoon nods his head quickly and holds Guanlin’s hand again. “So come out of that dark place already and we can stay together forever.”_

 

_“You promise we will stay together forever?” Guanlin asks again._

 

_“I promise!” Jihoon beams, his smile is so bright and so dazzling and Guanlin thinks he is looking at the sunshine itself._

 

_With a nod of head, he climbs down the closet and lets Jihoon pull him into his light._

 

 

 

===

 

 

 

Jihoon glances over at his phone, noticing that Guanlin no longer bombards him with calls and messages. It seems that the younger finally gives up pestering him after couple of weeks being ignored.

 

Of course, he has been avoiding Guanlin like a plague and it’s understandable if his childhood friend decides not to have anything to do with him anymore.  

 

This is for the best. He is going to leave the town next year and he doesn’t have to see Guanlin everyday anymore. He is sure Guanlin would change his mind about going to the same university after he found out about his feelings.

 

Jihoon should have been prepared for this from the moment he realized his feelings for Guanlin, he should have prepared himself for heartbreak because he knows his love is hopeless.

 

He knows, but it still hurts.

 

He bites his lip and stares at the chemistry book on his desk. Tears are blurring his vision and he quickly blinks them away, closing his book because he knows he won’t get any studying done tonight. He leans back against his seat and looks up to the ceiling, wondering what he should do tomorrow. Maybe he can text Woojin—

 

_Bang!_

 

Jihoon jumps on his seat at the sound from his window. He ends up losing his balance and flails on his chair before finally throwing his body forward and holding himself against the desk. He whips his head to his window and frowns.

 

“What the…”

 

_Bang!_

 

It sounds like someone is throwing something against his window. Fearing that the noise would wake his parents up, Jihoon strides over and flips the curtain, seeing Guanlin standing across the balcony holding a textbook in his hand.

 

Jihoon freezes on his spot and stares at Guanlin through the glass. The younger stares back at him before throwing another book to the balcony door, snapping Jihoon out of his trance. The elder quickly opens the door and steps out to the balcony.

 

“What the hell are you doing??” Jihoon hisses and stares at Guanlin’s textbooks on the floor, the ones he has been throwing earlier.

 

“Trying to talk to you,” Guanlin says and makes a move to climb over his railing.

 

Jihoon’s eyes widen in horror and he quickly stretches both hands forward, trying to stop the younger from whatever he is planning.

 

“Guanlin, what the hell are you doing?? That’s dangerous! Stop it!” Jihoon fails his hands around in attempt to push Guanlin back, but his arms are not long enough to reach him.

 

“Move. I’m going to jump to your balcony,” Guanlin says and swings one of his long legs over the railing.

 

“What?! Guanlin, go back to your room right now!” Jihoon hisses, his eyes flicking around in panic.

 

“I said move, or else I will crash into you.” Guanlin sets both feet on top of the bar and holds his hands against the railing, trying to keep his balance.

 

“Just use the fucking door, Guanlin!” Jihoon groans.

 

“You won’t open it for me, so this is the only choice I have.”

 

“I will open it for you now! Just get down and use the door!”

 

“No, I don’t believe you.” Guanlin shakes his head and stares at him again. “Now move, I can’t hold this position much longer.”

 

“Guanlin, this is the second floor, you’re going to die if you fall!”

 

“No, I might get broken bones but I won’t die.”

 

“That’s the same!” Jihoon pulls on his hair.

 

“Goddamnit, just step aside! I’m going to jump!” Guanlin hisses and prepares to jump.

 

“Guanlin, stop! Guanlin, please get down—“

 

Before he can finish his words, Guanlin has jumped from his balcony. Jihoon watches with wide eyes as Guanlin flies towards him and in a split second, he finds himself slammed to the floor with a heavy weight on top of him. Guanlin successfully jumps to his balcony and crashes right into him, toppling both of them to the floor.

 

“Shit... My head…” Jihoon groans at the pain for having his head knocked against the floor when they fell.

 

“I told you to move away,” Guanlin groans in return and lifts himself slightly to check on the elder. “Are you alright?”

 

“I’m going to get a big bump on my head,” Jihoon hisses and brings his hand to the back of his head, nursing the painful spot.

 

Guanlin’s face falters at the sight of Jihoon’s pained face. He lifts a hand and cups the back of Jihoon’s head, looking at him in concern. “Are you okay? Does it hurt so much?”

 

Jihoon opens his eyes and looks up to Guanlin’s face that’s merely inches away from his. His breath hitches at the sight and his heart makes a loud thump in his chest. He didn’t notice it earlier because of the mess, but now he finally realizes the kind of position they’re in. His legs are spread and Guanlin is practically on top of him.

 

Feeling his face heating up, Jihoon quickly turns away and squirms to get away. “No, I’m alright.”

 

Sensing that Jihoon is trying to escape, Guanlin reflexively holds his shoulders and pins him against the floor. “You sure?”

 

“Y-Yeah, very sure.” Jihoon nods vigorously, only to knock the back of his head against the floor again in the process. He winces at the pain and curls up slightly, holding the back of his head.

 

“Jesus, you’re so clumsy.” Guanlin carefully pulls Jihoon into a sitting position. The elder is still holding the back of his head and he leans over to check on the bump. “Let me take a look.” He removes Jihoon’s hand from his head and checks on it.

 

Jihoon drops his hand obediently and bites his lip when he catches a whiff of Guanlin’s shampoo scent. They are so close right now and Jihoon knows he can pull Guanlin into a hug if he wraps his arms around him right now.

 

But he doesn’t dare to do it, so he clenches his hands tightly and waits for Guanlin to move away.

 

Guanlin caresses the forming bump with his hand in attempt to soothe the pain before pulling back to search for Jihoon’s eyes. Jihoon stares back at him with doe eyes and his cheeks are tinted in red, and Guanlin wonders if Jihoon has always looked this vulnerable.

 

“Sorry,” Guanlin says after a few seconds of silence.

 

Jihoon blinks couple of times and once he’s snapped out of his daze, he slaps Guanlin’s chest and glares at the younger.

 

“What the fuck were you thinking? You could fall and break some bones if you weren’t lucky!” Jihoon snaps angrily and punches Guanlin’s shoulder.

 

“Ow! Stop that, _you’re_ going to break my bones!” Guanlin backs away and holds his shoulder, the spot Jihoon punched earlier.

 

“Never do that again, you understand?!” Jihoon spits and points his finger in warning, eyes glaring down at Guanlin.

 

“Yes, I understand.” Guanlin nods obediently, knowing that he can’t argue with Jihoon when he is like this.

 

Jihoon’s chest heaves at the outburst of emotion. He scans over Guanlin’s body to make sure there’s no serious wound before blowing out a relieved sigh. When Guanlin jumped off the balcony, he thought his heart was going to stop. He can’t imagine what would happen if Guanlin missed and fell to the ground below.

 

“I’m serious, please don’t do that again…” Jihoon sighs softly and runs a hand through his hair.

 

“I’m sorry.” Guanlin says, feeling guilty to see how worried the elder is. “I don’t know any other way to make you talk to me.”

 

Jihoon freezes at the words and looks up to Guanlin, seeing him sitting on the floor with his head tilted down. For a moment, Jihoon can imagine flopped dog ears on either side of Guanlin’s head. It’s true that he has been avoiding Guanlin as much as he can, but he doesn’t think Guanlin would go this extreme just to talk to him again.

 

No matter what kind of thing Guanlin has to say, Jihoon knows he has to listen to everything. He can’t be a coward anymore.

 

“Let’s close the door first.” Jihoon stands on his feet and walks to his balcony. He picks Guanlin’s books from the floor and shuts the door before putting them on his desk. Guanlin also stands up on his feet and steps closer to Jihoon who is closing the curtain.

 

“Do you like me?” Guanlin asks bluntly.

 

Jihoon clutches onto the curtain and sucks a deep breath. Guanlin is still as blunt as ever, even at times like this. But then again, that’s one of the things he likes from Guanlin. It’s amazing how the shy boy who used to stick on him could grow into someone like this, so confident and dazzling.

 

“I do,” Jihoon mutters softly, his voice shaking at every word.

 

Suddenly, there are hands caging him from behind and Jihoon can see Guanlin’s shadow looming over him. He clenches his teeth and grips tighter onto the curtain as if it’s a lifeline.

 

“Not in a friendly or brotherly way?” Guanlin hums questioningly, his voice sounds so close and Jihoon thinks his heart is going to stop at any moment.

 

“No… Not in those ways…” Jihoon shuts his eyes and swallows the knot in his throat.

 

“Since when?” Guanlin asks. He can feel his heart thundering in his chest and his hands twitch to turn Jihoon around, but he knows he can’t do that yet when he’s still not sure about where they stand right now.

 

“I don’t know… I think it’s been there for a while… but I just realized it not long ago…” Jihoon shakes his head.

 

“When did you realize that you like me?” Guanlin presses himself closer.

 

“…When you were in second year of middle school.” Jihoon’s voice starts to crack and Guanlin knows the elder is about to cry.

 

“Say it in front of my face.” Guanlin grabs Jihoon by his shoulders and turns him around.

 

But Guanlin doesn’t expect to see Jihoon sobbing like this. He drops his hands and takes a step back, staring at the elder. Jihoon’s eyes and nose are red, his shoulders are shaking and one of his hands is covering his mouth to muffle his cries.

 

Jihoon cries easily. He bursts into tears when listening to sad music and cries at a sad scene in every movie, but Guanlin never sees him cry like this, so sad and broken. He didn’t know Jihoon can look like this. He didn’t think Jihoon can cry like this _because of him_.

 

Guanlin can’t seem to formulate the right words to say, so Jihoon beats him to it.

 

“I’m sorry…” Jihoon chokes out and covers his face with both hands, feeling the shame and guilt crashing upon him. “I’m so sorry, Guanlin…”

 

Guanlin opens and closes his mouth like a fish, unable to say anything. He doesn’t understand why Jihoon is crying while apologizing like this, he doesn’t understand why Jihoon is acting this way. He realizes that there are a lot of things he doesn’t know about Jihoon, a lot of things that the elder has been hiding from him.

 

Guanlin thought that he knows everything about Jihoon, but turns out Jihoon is just good at hiding things. They used to be so close, but now Jihoon feels so distant. He doesn’t know how long Jihoon has been hiding himself behind a wall and he feels so stupid for not noticing it all this time.

 

“Jihoon,” Guanlin starts up and pries Jihoon’s hands away from his face. “Look at me.”

 

Jihoon slowly looks up to meet Guanlin’s gaze, tears still dribbling down his face like waterfall. He expects Guanlin to stare at him in disgust, but much to his surprise, Guanlin doesn’t do that.

 

“I don’t understand why you’re acting like this.” Guanlin frowns slightly. “Why are you crying? Why are you apologizing?”

 

“Because…” Jihoon sniffs and wipes his face with a hand. “Because this is wrong…”

 

“What is wrong?” Guanlin’s frown grows deeper.

 

“What is wrong??” Jihoon whips his head up, looking angry out of sudden. “Are you seriously asking me that?”

 

“Why are you angry now?” Guanlin asks and takes a step back, confused.

 

“ _This_ is wrong! My feelings for you is wrong!” Jihoon chokes out and throws his hand around. “You’re supposed to be my best friend,” he mutters the last words weakly and drops his hand back to his side.

 

“Aren’t I your best friend?” Guanlin steps closer again, sensing that Jihoon has calmed down from his little outburst.

 

“For me, you are more than that.” Jihoon shakes his head. “This is so wrong… I knew it from the start…”

 

“Jihoon,” Guanlin calls out and reaches a hand to touch the elder.

 

“It would’ve been better if we’d never met… That way, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you…” Jihoon murmurs softly.

 

Guanlin feels his chest tighten painfully at the words, his breath gets caught in his throat and his hand flies to Jihoon’s mouth, muffling all the words he’s going to say next.

 

“Don’t say that,” Guanlin grits through his teeth. “Don’t say something like that ever again.”

 

Jihoon stares at Guanlin with wide eyes, but he doesn’t say anything.

 

“I’m glad I met you, I’m glad you stay beside me all these years, I’m glad you’re always there for me,” Guanlin blurts out in one breath. When he sees how stunned Jihoon looks, he removes his hand and sighs. “Don’t say such hurtful words ever again. I don’t even know what would I be without you.”

 

There’s a flash of hurt in Guanlin’s eyes and Jihoon feels guilty for making the younger look like that. Guanlin is always so honest, he is not afraid to say what he wants to say, unlike Jihoon who is always hiding behind the walls. Guanlin is so bright, like the sun, and Jihoon can only look at him while hiding in the shadows.

 

“I’m glad I met you too… I just wished I didn’t have to fall in love with you…” Jihoon whispers softly and wipes his tears away.

 

Guanlin feels his heart skipping a beat after hearing the words. Jihoon’s words seem to echo in his ears and he is left standing on his spot, trying to process everything.

 

_Fall in love._

 

_Love._

 

_Jihoon loves him._

 

Guanlin doesn’t know anything much about love. He has watched romance movies and listens to some of his friend’s stories about dating and stuff. He doesn’t know how it feels like to be in love and he never really cares, but when Jihoon starts avoiding him, there’s a pain in his chest, the kind of pain he has never felt before.

 

When he asked Jinyoung and Daehwi about it, they started describing all the feelings one would get when they are in love. Guanlin didn’t really understand some of them, but there were few descriptions that matched the feelings he has for Jihoon.

 

He never realized his feelings for Jihoon because the elder is always beside him. Jihoon is like a star that shines brightly in front of his eyes, and Guanlin couldn’t see the light until Jihoon walked away.

 

“Don’t say that…” Guanlin mutters under his breath, prompting Jihoon to look up.

 

“Say what?” The elder blinks.

 

“Don’t say that you don’t want to fall in love with me,” Guanlin says softly and takes a step closer, backing Jihoon against the curtain.

 

“…What?” Jihoon blinks rapidly, his mind spinning fast.

 

“I… I want you to fall in love with me,” Guanlin says, more determined this time.

 

Jihoon blinks again and his eyes widen in shock. “What?”

 

Guanlin clicks his tongue at the question and leans forward, but before his lips can touch Jihoon’s, there’s a hand covering his mouth.

 

“W-What do you think you’re doing?!” Jihoon sputters in fluster, his hand pressing against Guanlin’s lips to stop him.

 

The younger pulls away with a groan. “You’re ruining the mood.”

 

“What the hell are you trying to do??” Jihoon asks, his cheeks flushed in red.

 

“I’m trying to kiss you. What else?” Guanlin throws his hands in the air.

 

“W-Why?? Do you think this is some kind of joke?!” Jihoon snaps, half in anger and half in embarrassment. It almost feels like Guanlin is not taking his words seriously.

 

“Because I like you too!” Guanlin blurts out, only to falter a moment later when he realizes what he just said. “Yeah… I like you too… more than a friend…”

 

Jihoon drops his mouth open in the most comical way and if they’re in other situation, Guanlin would have laughed at how ridiculous the elder looks. He knows anger and disbelief will come next, so he braces himself for another hit or punch from Jihoon.

 

But he doesn’t expect Jihoon to have tears trickling down his face again.

 

“Are you saying that just to comfort me…?” Jihoon breathes out.

 

“No, I’m saying what I feel,” Guanlin says

 

“You’re not lying, are you?” Jihoon sniffs, his face scrunching up as he cries.

 

“You told me I’m not a good liar. You can judge it by yourself,” Guanlin says softly and lifts his hand to brush Jihoon’s tears away.

 

“I can’t believe this.” Jihoon shakes his head.

 

“Believe it,” Guanlin insists, but Jihoon shakes his head again.

 

“You have no idea… how much I tried to hide my feelings. You have no idea about it, you have no idea how scared I was…” Jihoon says, muffling his sobs with his hand.

 

“Yes, I have no idea. There are a lot of things I didn’t know but I’m going to blame you for hiding it from me.” Guanlin cups Jihoon’s chin and connects their eyes. “But what I’m feeling is real.”

 

“How do you even know? How are you so sure that your feelings are the same as mine?” Jihoon sniffs as another drop of tears trickles from the corner of his eyes.

 

“Jihoon, I may be young but I’m not stupid enough for not being able to tell the difference between friendship and love.”

 

“But it’s impossible, there’s no way… y-you wouldn’t…” Jihoon sputters, still in shock.

 

“Ugh, just shut up,” Guanlin groans and crashes his lips against Jihoon’s.

 

Their teeth knock in the process and Jihoon hisses at the pain. He takes a step back and hits the glass door behind the curtain, but Guanlin presses himself closer. Jihoon is taken aback by the abrupt kiss and he doesn’t know what to do, he tries to remember the way he kissed that girl from next class when he was in middle school, but that kiss felt nothing compared to this. Guanlin has his lips pressing against his and Jihoon tries to hold his breath as long as possible.

 

Guanlin starts moving his lips and when he notices that Jihoon isn’t responding to the kiss, he pulls away, seeing Jihoon taking a big intake of breath.

 

“You could breathe, you know,” Guanlin hums, his eyes twinkling in amusement.

 

It takes a moment for Jihoon to snap out of his daze. He blinks couple of times and looks up to see Guanlin smiling at him. He can feel his face heating up in embarrassment, but it also pisses him off that the younger is able to tease him like this.

 

“Shut up.” Jihoon shoves Guanlin’s chest out of the way and walks to his bed. He flops down the mattress and looks up to see Guanlin doing the same, now sitting next to him on the bed.

 

“I’m not joking, Jihoon. I really like you,” Guanlin says.

 

Guanlin is still so blunt even when he’s confessing. Jihoon really admires how brave he is. If only he was as honest as Guanlin, maybe they wouldn’t have to go through all this trouble.

 

“You’re really something,” Jihoon sighs with a soft smile.

 

“What do you mean?” Guanlin blinks, confused.

 

“It was so hard for me to admit my feelings, but you can say it so easily… You’re not even scared or nervous about saying it…” Jihoon hums and fumbles with his thumbs.

 

When there’s no response from the younger, Jihoon peers up carefully to see Guanlin staring at him with unreadable expression on his face. He is about to ask what’s wrong when Guanlin suddenly takes his hand and places it against his chest.

 

_Thump._

 

_Thump._

 

Jihoon stares dumbly at his hand against Guanlin’s chest. He can feel Guanlin’s heart thundering in his chest. It’s so fast and so loud that the heartbeat seems to reverberate through his body.

 

“Not nervous?” Guanlin asks.

 

“You didn’t look nervous… I didn’t know…” Jihoon mutters under his breath, hand still placed on the other’s chest.

 

“If you don’t know about something, don’t just simply assume them,” Guanlin murmurs softly, but his voice sounds so close and it prompts Jihoon to look up.

 

There is a pair of eyes so close in front of him and Jihoon thinks his heart might stop in that moment. Guanlin’s face is so close and he wonders if their lips are going to brush if one of them starts speaking.

 

“I can’t go back to my room at this hour. The door is locked and my parents are asleep.” Guanlin says suddenly.

 

“Yeah,” Jihoon whispers.

 

“Unless you want me to jump back to my balcony—“

 

“No,” Jihoon cuts off, one hand raised authoritatively.

 

“Alright.” Guanlin raises his hands in the air, showing submission.

 

Jihoon sighs in relief and drops his hand. He moves back slightly to create a small space between them before looking down at the floor. He has told Guanlin the truth and they have pretty much sorted their feelings out, but it’s not the end of everything. He and Guanlin have always been friends, but tonight, Jihoon feels like they’re stepping into another level of relationship.

 

There are a lot of things they have to face and the thought scares Jihoon. He doesn’t know what the future has for them.

 

“Where do we go from here?” He asks softly and turns to Guanlin.

 

“Anywhere we can go,” Guanlin says nonchalantly.

 

“There are a lot of things, Guanlin. We’re both males, I’m going to college and you’re still in high school. There is a long road ahead of us and you don’t know what the future holds.” Jihoon sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

 

Guanlin stares at the elder for a moment and furrows his brows thoughtfully. He then scratches the back of his head while blowing out a long, exasperated sigh.

 

“Jihoon, you’re always worrying about things you’re not sure about. You always think about the worst possibility in every matter and it makes you so gloomy,” Guanlin says.

 

“I’m not gloomy.” Jihoon frowns at the word. He might be a worry-wart, but he is definitely not a gloomy person.

 

“You see, Jihoon,” Guanlin says again and reaches over to hold Jihoon’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Stop worrying about your own assumption and give yourself a break. No matter what will happen, I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Jihoon stares at their intertwined hand and smiles at the younger. “Thanks, Guanlin.”

 

“Even if you chased me away like these past few weeks, I will still come to you no matter what you do. This time I jumped from my balcony, maybe next time I will—“

 

“Stop, stop, don’t give me terrifying images of you doing stupid things,” Jihoon’s says as his hand flies to cover Guanlin’s mouth.

 

Guanlin laughs into his hand and Jihoon can see his eyes scrunching up in glee. He tries to glare at the younger, trying to show that he is serious with what he said, but seeing Guanlin laughing like this always makes him laugh too. Before he knows it, both of them are laughing quietly on the bed, trying not to wake the adults who are sleeping in the bedroom down the hall.

 

Somewhere between the laughter, Jihoon notices that Guanlin has stopped laughing and his own laugh falters when he sees the younger leaning closer. His eyes flutter closed as their lips press together in a kiss. This time, their teeth don’t knock against each other.

 

The kiss is slower compared to before, both are taking their time by brushing their lips softly, and Jihoon realizes that their lips mold so perfectly like this. There is only the slick sound from meeting and parting of their lips in the room, closing the world into the two of them.

 

Slowly, Jihoon loops his arms around Guanlin’s neck as if it’s the most natural thing to do, and Guanlin gives a little push into the kiss. He lets out a soft hum at the action and feels his back pressing against the bed beneath him-

 

Wait.

 

“Stop.” Jihoon breaks the kiss and places his hand against Guanlin’s chest. His cheeks and lips are much redder than before, but his eyes are wide as he stares at the younger.

 

“What?” Gualin asks, almost groaning from being stopped.

 

“Y-You’re not supposed to push me down like this!” Jihoon flusters and pushes Guanlin off him.

 

“Why not?” Guanlin asks, looking completely bewildered.

 

“Because it’s—“ Jihoon pauses when he sees the clueless look on Guanlin’s face. “I-I’ll explain it when you’re older. Now let’s go to bed.” He steps out of the bed to turn off the lights.

 

Guanlin frowns at the answer, but he lies on the bed anyway, leaving a space for Jihoon to lie beside him. The elder climbs back to the bed and lies down, pulling the comforter over the two of them.

 

“Tomorrow is Saturday, right?” Guanlin asks suddenly and Jihoon turns to his side to look at him.

 

“Yeah, why?” Jihoon hums. The room is dark, but he can still see Guanlin’s face in front of him.

 

“Let’s go out somewhere, just the two of us.” Guanlin smiles and Jihoon’s heart skips a beat.

 

“Where do you want to go?” Jihoon chuckles and closes his eyes, feeling his chest fluttering happily.

 

“Anywhere as long as there are only the two of us.” Guanlin snuggles closer until he can feel the warmth radiating from Jihoon’s body.

 

“Mhmm… let’s talk about it tomorrow,” Jihoon mutters softly and shifts closer to the warmth Guanlin provides.

 

The room falls into a comfortable silence and Jihoon can feel himself drifting to sleep when Guanlin moves suddenly.

 

“Wait.” Guanlin snaps his eyes open when he remembers something. “I heard there were some male seniors who confessed to you. Is that true?”

 

“Huh?” Jihoon frowns, feeling annoyed to be disturbed in his sleep. “Those kind of news spread really fast in our school…”

 

“So it’s true?” Guanlin frowns.

 

“Uh huh…” The elder mumbles sleepily.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“Ugh, just go to sleep. We can talk tomorrow morning,” Jihoon groans and pulls the cover over his head, wanting to sleep in peace. He was crying his heart out earlier and it leaves him feeling exhausted, he needs his rest.

 

Guanlin looks like he is about to say more, but seeing how annoyed Jihoon is, he decides to stop talking. With a huff, he wraps his arms protectively around Jihoon’s body, pulling him against his chest as they drift to sleep together.

 

When Guanlin wakes up the following morning, Jihoon is still in his embrace, still sleeping peacefully. A wave of contentedness washes over him and a smile blooms on his face as he reaches a hand to trace the line of Jihoon’s pretty features.

 

He has no idea what the future holds, but he knows they are going to be alright.  

 

From the moment Jihoon held his hand for the first time, Guanlin knows everything is going to be alright if Jihoon is with him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I forgot that Guanlin is 16 years old lmao 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Panwink love ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ ♥


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